a return
Well hello there. I’m finally back after nearly three years…oops. Where do I even begin? Still living in Texas, still searching for the perfect pitcher (pitcher?!) of cold brew coffee. Obviously, a lot can happen in three years, but mostly I want to take a moment to shift the focus (or lack thereof) of this space. And secondarily, I have no excuse for the absence. All I can say is that procrastination and fear of failure are two very large bears that I continue to encounter on a daily basis. But, I am here now and hope to return on a weekly basis.
A downward spiral prompted me to re-assess my goals, and writing—being one of them—led me back to this little room of a blog. I won’t try to write a biography of the past few years, but in a few bullet points:
- I was diagnosed with OCD in the fall of 2019
- I used and was thoroughly trashed by alcohol (figuratively and literally)…a negative coping mechanism
- I reached a turning point in my mental health that has caused me to take a long, hard look at life so far
I am by no means “cured” of anything, but I am learning to do better, one day at a time. While also holding space for the fact that mental health can be HARD and does not get talked about enough. I am very grateful to the many brave voices before me, who inspire me to write about these things. The OCD Stories podcast, in particular, has been a game changer.
Another impetus for this return has been starting TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) therapy to help my anxiety and depression. Simply put, TMS directs short magnetic pulses into the brain through a magnetic coil, and it is supposed to help activate the part of the brain associated with depression and calm down the part that’s associated with anxiety. And that is a VERY simple summary in which I am probably not doing any justice.
For seven weeks, I will be going to a daily appointment that lasts 15-20 minutes. The TMS itself reminds me of a woodpecker…not the most pleasant sensation but also not as invasive as ECT (electroconvulsive therapy). They say it takes four to four-and-a-half weeks to begin noticing a difference in mood. Being on day three, I feel like I am at the starting line of a very big unknown. It might not help. I also realize that I am very, very lucky to have this opportunity. It was no easy feat getting health insurance to sign off on this treatment, but I won’t even get started on that here…yikes. I just hope that by talking about my experience here, I can help someone else who might be in a similar situation. I often forget that I am not alone in this.
So, I plan to be revisiting this blog on a weekly basis and bring you any insights I come across (or don’t). All I can say now is, keep going. And in the very wise words of one of my favorite poets, Megan Falley, I’m rooting for you.
Some jammers for your week…
Claire Paschal 