Not really sure where to start here so I’ll just jump straight in. After TMS seemed to be a dead-end, I ended up checking myself into the ER last Monday. Spent the night in and finally got admitted to inpatient the next afternoon (after a marathon of Good Bones on HGTV).

At that time, I was on six different anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medications, and it seemed pretty unrealistic to suss out the right lineup of meds on my current work schedule (or lack thereof). To put it bluntly, I was not functioning well and it was not pretty.

I was hoping it would be a quick three to five day tune-up, but, naturally, it turned into a weeklong stay. The doctors fine-tuned the medications, all my normal responsibilities fell away. My phone was safely locked out of sight.

During intake, they check all of your belongings, and I realized I had forgotten to leave Winnie’s cat hairbrush with my parents. So I had to explain the weirdly shaped de-furring brush (it’s metal, so it has weapon potential) and two loose mice toys to the nurse techs. (Don’t worry, my Mom came to visit and we gave the hairbrush to her. She reported back to me over the hospital phone and said that Winnie enjoyed being brushed).

After that highlight, I sort of fell apart in my room (thank goodness I didn’t have a roommate). Maybe I watched too many episodes of Good Bones, or maybe it was the lack of sleep, but needless to say my room had a camera in it and I was feeling self-conscious about everything.

Every day for a week, I met with a resident and psychiatrist. I can now say that I am off the Gabapentin (yay!) and Klonopin (double yay). Meds are different for everyone, but I have a feeling I was not reacting well to the aforementioned culprits.

There was lots of group, and during one session we got to do music therapy and play a song for everyone to listen/be held hostage to. I chose “Shake It Out” by Florence & The Machine, but due to the dark opening lyrics was asked to switch songs (oops). The only on-the-spot feel-good jam I could think of was “Wildflowers” by Tom Petty. So we listened and it was grand. But truly, after not having access to Spotify for 5+ days, I could feel a noted (ha) difference in mood after listening to everyone’s song picks. 

The televisions had music channels, and there was this one earthy, spiritual station that I particularly enjoyed. I saw a song playing by Marconi Union but I misread the artist’s name as Macaroni Unicorn, and now all I can think about are unicorns wearing necklaces made of macaroni shells, and I’ve decided I want to have a macaroni unicorn summer.

But in all seriousness, I’m so grateful there was an opening for me at inpatient. I was worried there might not be room and I’d be sent somewhere else. Thank goodness that didn’t happen. I’m not sure what sort of threshold for pain I crossed that caused me to check in, but the crying spells and not eating very much were big indicators. I can’t say I’m on the other side of this yet, but I am feeling much more hopeful now than I was this time last week. Later today I have an intake appointment to continue with an IOP program that I’m pretty sure meets virtually three times a week. Needless to say, I know there will be oodles more to write about. If you’re struggling, please know that you’re not alone. Some of the nicest people I’ve met were at my inpatient stay, and I’m eternally grateful.

xx